Interesting Observations
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"
on it. So I said "Implants?" 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 6 . I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted
a screamer or a moaner. 7 . If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 8 . There are
two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 9 . I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 10 . I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore,
I am perfect. 11 . Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days have stayed alive. 12
. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 13 . Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 14 . A good friend will come and
bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!"- 15
. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 16 . When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping,"
now I just "chunk y dunk." 17 . The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them 18
. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. 19 . Wouldn't
it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 20
. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 21 . My husband
says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said). 22 . Just remember...if the world didn't
suck, we'd all fall off. 23 . If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called LABOUR! 24 . Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells
live forever.
Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed
to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA
contest. ``````````````````````````````````` "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey `````````````````````````````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ````````````````````````````````````````````````` "I've never had major knee surgery on any other
part of my body,"-- Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. `````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside
of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC. ``````````````````````````````````````
"I'm
not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary
Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That
lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas. `````````````````````````````````
"Half
this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ``````````````````````````````````````
"It
isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President (DUH) ````````````````````````````````` "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle ``````````````````````````````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"-- Lee Iacocca ``````````````````````````````````````````` "The word "genius" isn't
applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football
quarterback & sports analyst. ``````````````````````````````
```````````` "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor `````````````````````````````````````````` "If we don't succeed,
we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President ```````````````````````````````````````````` "We are ready for an unforeseen
event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP (damn, he's smart) ``````````````````````````````` "Traditionally, most of Australia's
imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery ``````````````````````````````````````````````` "Your food stamps will
be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ``````````````````````````````````````````````` "If somebody has a bad
heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler,
FCC Chairman ````````````````````````````````````````````````````
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Observations-
MIDLIFE - Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This
gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquird mustache. Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans,
we are flying squirrels in drag. Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear without
turning around. Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat! Midlife is when you
want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things
will too"! Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar. Midlife is
when you go to the doctor and you realize you are so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. You know you are getting
old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film. Midlife
brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. Midlife can bring out your
angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch
marks?" Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water. The good news about
midlife is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating
in it. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake
now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin). Midlife
is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit. You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering
the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice icecream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy
choice? -Author Unknown
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